last night was really awful. I have been feeling so out of control lately (I mentioned this in an earlier post) I binged and just had no self control to stop at any point, my stomach was so distended, I couldn't walk up straight. The purging didn't allow me any relief and I ended up feeling even worse for doing it. Somehow I must have hurt my throat or something as this morning it feels so scratchy on the one side it is difficult to swallow. My eyes are puffy and I just feel like crap in general. Today I will not binge my ass off and purge my lungs out, I will try to restrict and control myself mmmm promises, promises
Hope everyone is doing better than me.

How are all you lovlies doing?  I am on week 3 of no b/p , wtf I am too scared to ruin my own record to start b/p again.
Naaaahhh its definitely the antidepressants and I am taking full advantage of it and restricting.  I know for a hardcore bulimic like myself it doesn't get better than this, so might as well let the good times roll.  The weekend was testing and today feels like I could just give in but somehow I seem to just get past the urge, don't know how, but its o.k.

I have decided that I either want to:  feast or flight lately.  I am either running away from bulimia or indulging in the act of binge purge.  I hate it but somehow the trans like state I succumb to while bingeing takes away all the anguish and pain.  I have decided that I will have to live with this disease for the rest of my life, nothing is going to help, the urge is to strong the rush of buying yet another chocolate cream bun too powerful.  Is it the same for everyone? the reason I ask is because a while ago I felt I was still in control, now I know Iam not.  It is so hard for me to admit that I have no control, but it is so true.  The few times I have stopped myself from b/p I have only lasted a couple of days at the most. 

Current Location: at home
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: free at last

So I am back on the straight and narrow, after two days of b/p I have had enough of it once again.....

My hubby went away and I am like WOW I can eat everything in sight and noone is going to be suspicious of my huge consumption!!!  I am sure I am the only one who can't wait for her husband to be gone just so she can eat and eat and eat and eat.  (WTF It is pure madness.)  And then he came home unexpectedly yesterday afternoon ( thank god I wasn't in the middle of a binge) but I was actually irritated that I couldn't b/p that evening, it is like I plan everything to the last detail just to ensure a problem free b/p.  Crazy? Does anyone else do that?

Tracy

Current Location: at work
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: madonna, ray of light?

Just a question, how many of you use laxatives?  and if so how often?  I know they just get rid of water but they  make me feel lighter.I am relly concerned about the abuse of them I can't seem to stop using them and they are really addictive.  Another question has anyone ever read the book by Jocelyn Golden, "My 23 year battle with bulimia" I read it about 2 months ago befor I joined this community and it is an awesome and vivid account of her life, it is brilliant and just so true.

Hi I hope you all are doing well, i haven't b/p for 2 days and it feels like a real victory.   I am feeling a little peckish and I know that if I break my good record and eat I am going to do the b/p thing again.  Just can't seem to concentrate on anything right now.  I am trying to not b/p more than twice a week and these are small steps right now but that is all I can handle, one day at a time.  Like an alcoholic I have to break myself.  I lose weight when I don't b/p which is a big bonus.  So heres a Question:  does it work like that for all of you? I am used to throwing up 1 - 2 x a day if I cut back to 2x a week and this is a big IF, will I lose weight?  what are your experiences?  i would like to lose 5kg

tracy

Current Location: at work
Current Mood: curious

Hi I am new to this community, but have been reading your posts and getting to know you all.  I am from South Africa and have had bulimia/ana for a long time now, just can't seem to recover for good.  I suppose I love this ed too much to let it go and besides what would I do without it, It has become part of me and I don't really know life without it.  Sounds a little weird, I know.  Anyways I just thought I would introduce myself and stop being such a voyeur, feels a little frustrating when I have so much to add and all.

Current Location: at my desk

I just cant take much more of this not knowing if I want to b/p or restrict.  It is so frustrating I just cant decide.
after such a lengthy time of being eating disordered,one would expect me to know, but it doesn't get any easier.
i mean wtf am i doing with my life besides fucking it up?  I am so angry, sorry, I just need to rant about the absurdness of this disease. Anyone else feel this way? Oh that is a stupid question, It is rhetorical.

Current Location: at my desk
Current Music: madonna, ray of light?

Hi, I am new to this community, but I have been reading your posts and getting to know you all, I just want to say I have had bulimia for 23 years, not pretty, and for the first time I feel like there is a place I can finally go and chat about my absurd illness and all it has to offer.  I am not trying to recover, God knows I am so finished with that.  I am looking to meet new friends and have relationships with others who have the same interests as I do.  Hope this isn't too weird and disjointed.  I am from South Africa< Cape Town.  Any one else close by?

hope to hear from everyone 
tracy

Current Location: at my desk
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: madonna